“My way, O’Neill”
Advertorial version 1 Wednesday, Oct 24 2007
Advertorial + slogan 12:34 pm
Wednesday 22nd of July
10:00
I just arrived at my hotel in Malibu, Hawaii. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining, and I can’t wait until I’m in the water again! I want to feel the waves underneath my surfboard. I love the feeling that I can fly. Hopefully all my friends are already on the beach so we can meet up and exchange surf tactics.
11:30
Yes! I found Laura and Seb, and we talked about what we are going to do this summer.! Then Laura and me went shopping in Malibu city and I found this amazing surf shorts in the O’Neill shop! I can’t wait until everyone on the beach sees me in my new short! It’s so comfy, I can twist and turn as much I want on my surfboard and it still stays on perfectly.
13:00
After Laura and me went shopping, Seb took us to a forbidden island! I don’t know exactly what its called. But The waves there where awesome! Laura took some photo’s of me surfing. And, I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I looked great in my new shorts!
I’m going to send the pictures to O’Neill to try to join their surfers team. That would be crazy. All these boys and girl, as crazy about surfing as me?! I can’t imagine anything better then that.
14:00
Some of Sebs friends came over to the forbidden island! They had longboards with them! This was a new thing for me because I’ve never surfed on a longboard before! One of the guys, Trey, wanted to show me how to surf on his board. I thought: yes, this is a good opportunity for me to learn something. But at the end it wasn’t such a good idea. I tried it like 10 times, and then I hit a rock underwater! My foot really hurt. Luckely Laura had an emergency kit. It wasn’t bad, it where just a few scratches.
15:00
I tried surfing on Trey’s board again, and this time I was really good surfing on his longboard! Seb was really proud of me. So we went to Malibu city again, and he bought me a bikini at the O’Neill shop! He said he was very proud of me, and that’s why I deserved a present! Seb has an amazing taste! I wouldn’t want anything else! O’Neill has such female shapes in there collection, and I really like the colours to!
20:00
I’m a bit bored. Laura is preparing herself for the beach party tonight. But I don’t really feel like putting make-up on. People should like me for who I really am! Me. Besides, I think I have an admirer already. Seb! I hope he will be at the party tonight, because I’m going to wear the bikini he bought me at the O’Neill shop today! No, no, not only the bikini! I’m going to put pants on as well!
22:00
Laura is finally ready! We are getting our bikes, and ride to the beach. It’s really hot outside. I think I’m going to take off my shirt so Seb can see my bikini top! It’s a beach party, so almost everyone will be wearing a short or bikini.
22:30
AAAAAAAAH! Seb saw me and he had two long boards with him. He said he wanted to show me a even more special place then we went to in the morning. I was pleasantly surprised. So I went with him. When we arrived at the spot he was talking about a was charmed by the enchanting look of the horizon and the waves. Seb gave me a wetsuit that he bought for me. I looked at the brand of the wetsuit. It was an O’Neill wetsuit! How did he know me so well.. ? He looks at me, and laughs. ‘’Of course it’s O’Neill, you bunny! What did you think?’’
23:30
Seb and I surfed in the dark. The waves where even higher then in the morning! The water was warm, I couldn’t hear anything but the wind and the ocean. I felt like I found my calling. This is what I’m meant to do my whole life!. This is my passion. This is home. This is me.
Peer review of advertorial version 1 Wednesday, Oct 24 2007
Advertorial + slogan 11:47 am
Weblog Advertorial Peer Review Form A – First Review
Writer’s Name Fleur van Ijperen
Assessor’s name Danny Taams
Date 16th of October 2007
Rating Scale: 1 = Yes 2 = Somewhat 3 = No
Rate the advertorial by giving a 1, 2 or 3 for each question. Read the advertorial
once to get a general idea of what it is about, then read it a second time to rate it.
1. Is the title original and appropriate? 2
2. Is the introduction complete? 3 (there is no introduction the way it is written)
3. Is the body of your advertorial complete? 1
4. Is the conclusion well-developed? 3 (there are no conclusions the way it is written)
5. Is the advertorial well-organized overall? 1
6. Is the advertorial interesting to read? 1
7. Has the writer plagiarised material? 3
8. Is it clear what the product is? 1
9. Is there a clear story? 1
10. Is there a clear relationship between the story and the product? 1
Finally, read the advertorial a third time and check it for spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Mark any corrections on the advertorial itself then complete the rest of the form.
Name three things you like about the advertorial.
-The idea of making a diary
- The way it is written
Name three things the writer should improve.
- Spelling, time notification and grammar.
Does the advertorial sell the product? Why?
Yes, the girl is talking about the O’Neill shops and the products she bought.
Is the advertorial written for the specified O’Neill target group?
Yes
Advertorial version 2 Wednesday, Oct 24 2007
Advertorial + slogan 10:33 am
Wednesday 22nd of July
10 am
I just arrived at my hotel in Malibu, Hawaii. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining, and I can’t wait until I’m in the water again! I want to feel the waves underneath my surfboard. I love the feeling that I can fly. Hopefully all my friends are already on the beach so we can meet up and exchange surf tactics.
11.30 am
Yes! I found Laura and Seb, and we talked about what we are going to do this summer! Then Laura and I went shopping in Malibu city and I found this amazing surf shorts in the O’Neill shop! I can’t wait until everyone on the beach sees me in my new short! It’s so comfertable, I can twist and turn as much as I want on my surfboard and it still stays on perfectly.
1 pm
After Laura and I went shopping, Seb took us to a forbidden island! I don’t know exactly what its called. But the waves there were awesome! Laura took some photo’s of me surfing. And, I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I looked great in my new O’Neill shorts!
I’m going to send the pictures to O’Neill and try to join their surfteam. That would be crazy. All these boys and girl, as crazy about surfing as me?! I can’t imagine anything better than that.
2 pm
Some of Sebs friends came over to the forbidden island! They had longboards with them! This was a new thing for me because I’ve never surfed on a longboard before! One of the guys, Trey, wanted to show me how to surf on his board. I thought:”yes, this is a good opportunity for me to learn something.” But at the end it wasn’t such a good idea. I tried it like ten times, and then I hit a rock underwater! My foot really hurt. Luckely Laura had an emergency kit. It wasn’t bad, it were just a few scratches.
3 pm
I tried surfing on Trey’s board again, and this time I was really getting better at surfing on his longboard! Seb was really proud of me. So we went to Malibu city again, and he bought me a bikini at the O’Neill shop! He said he was very proud of me, and that’s why I deserved a present! Seb has an amazing taste! I wouldn’t want anything else! O’Neill has such a female shape in their collection, and I really like the colours and patterns too!
8 pm
I’m a bit bored. Laura is preparing herself for the beach party tonight. But I don’t really feel like putting make-up on. People should like me for who I really am! Besides, I think I have an admirer already, Seb! I hope he will be at the party tonight, because I’m going to wear the bikini he bought me at the O’Neill shop today! No, no, not only the bikini! I’m going to put pants on as well!
10 pm
Laura is finally ready! We are getting our bikes, and ride to the beach. It’s really hot outside. I think I’m going to take off my shirt so Seb can see my bikini top! It’s a beach party, so almost everyone will be wearing a short or bikini.
10.30 pm
AAAAAAAAH! Seb saw me and he had two long boards with him. He said he wanted to show me an even more special place than we went to in the morning. I was pleasantly surprised so ofcourse I went with him. When we arrived at the spot he said that he was charmed by the enchanting look of the horizon and the waves. Seb gave me a wetsuit that he bought for me. I looked at the brand of the wetsuit. It was an O’Neill wetsuit! How did he know me so well? He looks at me, and laughs:”Of course it’s O’Neill, you bunny! What did you think?”
11.30 pm
Seb and I surfed in the dark. The waves were even higher than in the morning! The water was warm, I couldn’t hear anything but the wind and the ocean. I felt like I found my calling. This is what I’m meant to do my whole life! This is my passion. This is home. This is me.
Peer-review of advertorial version 2 Wednesday, Oct 24 2007
Advertorial + slogan 10:29 am
Weblog Advertorial Peer Review Form B – Second Review
Writer’s Name Fleur van Ijperen
Assessor’s name Danny Taams
Date 20th of October 2007
Rating Scale: 1 = Yes 2 = Somewhat 3 = No
Rate the advertorial by giving a 1, 2 or 3 for each question. Read the advertorial
once to get a general idea of what it is about, then read it a second time to rate it.
1. Is the topic interesting? 1
2. Is the title original and appropriate? 2
3. Is the introduction complete? (there is no introduction the way it is written)
4. Is the body of your advertorial complete? 1
5. Is the conclusion well-developed? (there is no conclusion the way it is written)
6. Is the advertorial well-organized overall? 1
7. Is the advertorial easy to understand? 1
8. Is the advertorial interesting to read? 1
9. Has any plagiarised material been removed? 3
Do you feel that the writer has improved the advertorial? Why or why not? Be specific.
Yes, she changed the time notification, the grammar and spelling mistakes.
Has the writer changed the advertorial adequately according to your suggestions for
improvement of your first assessment? Describe the changes and state specifically
whether you think they are an improvement.
She used a lot of “me” instead of “I” (Laura and ME = Laura and I) That’s a good improvement!
Are you happy to have this advertorial on your weblog? Why or why not? Be specific.
Yes, because I really like the idea of the diary. It is really nice and easy for the target group to read.
